Technically, I think it was the Year of the Rabbit if you believe the Chinese. I don’t, however, so it was definitely the Year of the Goat, Carlos that is.
2011 was a good year for me. I did a bit of traveling on the beaten path, mostly for work, but some for fun as well. Here’s a brief recap of the numbers:
Cities visited for work (not counting my hometown) = 88
Number of airplane rides for work = 114
Total miles flown for work = 144,884
Cities visited for fun (not counting my hometown and not counting cities within driving range) = 4
Number of airplane rides for fun = 8
Total miles flown for fun = 17,214
Total combined miles flown = 162,098
Suck it, Clooney!
I met some great people along the way, and some nutters. I had quite a few encounters and managed to not get my ass kicked in the process. I met with some of America’s great companies and some oddballs, including a pawn shop conglomerate in Austin, but hey I got to hang out in Austin so it wasn’t really that bad. I explored some of the truly great cities of this country and got to experience some of the shitholes, i.e. Akron, Houston, Detroit, etc. I managed to sneak in some fun along the path as well. I caught the Yankees at Fenway on a beautiful Sunday night in Boston. I caught a couple of Bruins games and managed to see two Bulls playoff games at home. I got a run in the snowy streets of Milwaukee at 1:00am, and yes, I was sober. I caught a Sharks game and come to think of it I may need to add San Jose to the list of shithole cities. I saw the lights of Nashville…sure from the window of a cab, but still.
I also encountered some of your typical travel headaches, delayed flights, cancelled flights, running through airports to make tight connections, sitting on the tarmac at JFK for 3 hours only to return to the gate and then give it another go of 3 hours until we finally took off, tornados, earthquakes, and tsunami’s. Pretty standard stuff really, but the good stuff always takes focus off the bad. Sure I was delayed in Tokyo because of the earthquake and subsequent tsunami, but I got to cross Asia off my ‘ski every continent’ list and got to spend some time with a great friend. And yeah, I got stuck in Chicago because of a tornado, but I got to witness several drug deals from my $59 last minute motel room window and rearrange every piece of movable furniture in what could only be described as feng shui to block the door. Coming back from a ski trip in Denver I missed my flight by six hours, but I got one more day of knee deep back bowl skiing.
So yeah, overall, 2011 was great and 2012 is shaping up to be just as rad, that’s right, rad.
Case in point, the other night I was at one of my favorite places getting some dinner. I took a table and as it turned out next to me were two hefty lesbians having a conversation/argument/emotional epiphany. Even on my most creative day, and I think I've only had one, I don’t think I could have made the shit that came out of their mouths up. In between these gems there were tears, f bombs, and lots and lots of wine.
In no particular order here are some of the best that I managed to capture. I seriously had to fight back the laughter several times.
“You look like a transvestite.”
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“Why don’t we kiss anymore?”
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“You look like my dad a lot.”
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“I miss my football card collection.”
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“You have your mom’s bald spot and that mom of yours is not attractive.”
“My mom’s an ugly fucker.”
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“Your ass looks like a marbled rye.”
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“No one is taking a picture of us. You can kiss me now.”
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“You need to start taking that Rogaine.”
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“Are you honestly going to eat white toast later?”
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A commercial came on for the Olympics
To me: “Did you remember the Olympics are going to be in Lucerne?”
I pretended not to hear her
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“Why do you have to be so glorious?”
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To the bartender: “Can I get another glass of wine, but on a separate tab?”
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“Fuck you.”
“Excuse me?”
“Fuck you.”
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“I’m bringing over Jessica tonight.”
“I can’t believe you just said that.”
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“Mmmm, you smell like butter.”
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“You have no empathy.”
“You don’t have a dick.”
It was one of the most uncomfortable and awesome meals I’ve ever had.
Here's to 2012 and may you all smell like butter.
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