I travel a fair amount, for those that don’t know, and therefore I’ve pretty much seen it all. So I’ve compiled a list of tips and suggestions to help the casual traveler, and maybe even the most hardened traveler. Actually, it’s more of a rant after re-reading it, but there are some good tips mixed in there somewhere.
Security
- Captain Morgan pirate boots – I know Jerry Seinfeld tried to jump start the whole pirate movement with the puffy shirt thing, but ladies please, pirate style boots are not the best choice when passing through security. Same goes for you, urban cowboy fellas.
- Oldies, especially the fellas, that three pounds of change you’ve got in the piggy bank you call a trousers pocket will get detected.
- Back to the ladies…you don’t have to wear every piece of jewelry your man buys you when traveling. I know you don’t trust the bag monkeys down in the bowels of the airport, but honestly, you can put some of it in your carryon. Better yet, just plan ahead and put them all in your carryon. The chances that you’ll see someone you know between the five minutes you get out of the car and you get to security are pretty slim. And really, if they do see you they’ll probably think you are some sort of trend setter. Or that you look heinous without your jewelry on. And speaking of looking heinous, if you think the troglodyte TSA representatives will look down on you for not wearing your gaudy Zsa Zsa Gabor jewels I wouldn’t worry about it. They are busy staring at your feet to make sure you’ve taken your shoes off, which brings me back to point 1.
- Toiletries. In general, these do need to come out of your bag so again, plan ahead. Don’t bury them in the bottom of your bag. I don’t want to see you dig through your unmentionables in the middle of security…unless you are hot. If you are hot you can ignore this one.
- Any top that zips up or buttons up will need to be removed and passed through the security whole, technical term. So plan ahead. Fellas, maybe you don’t sport the wife beater underneath the hoody. Ladies, maybe throw a top on underneath those ugly, long sweater jacket things…unless you are hot. If you are hot you can ignore this one too.
- I know there are a lot of hippies out there that like to pack along water bottles. Water bottles are fine to go through security as long as they are empty.
A leatherman may be an essential tool on your Batmanesque utility belt along with your pager and cellphones, but it won’t pass through security. Anything with a serrated, bone cutting instrument is generally not something the FAA wants passengers whipping out on a transatlantic flight. And really guy in Tulsa who tried to pass through an eight inch Bowie knife ala Mick from Crocodile Dundee. Come on. On a side note, did you know the Bowie knife was originally named after David Bowie?
Plane etiquette
- If you are sitting in an aisle seat and you are the first one to sit in your row don’t seat belt yourself in and drag out all your shit. The chances that you won’t have anyone sitting next to you are pretty slim.
Speaking of slim, if you have a wide carriage try to be cognoscente of it. I enjoy getting smacked in the shoulder every time you walk by as much as the next guy…wait, no I don’t. And I’m pretty sure I don’t have a target on the back of my shoulder. I usually have the stewardesses check when I get on the plane.- And unless there is no one sitting in front of you don’t use the back of the seat to hoist yourself out of your seat. It’s annoying. And if you do it more than once I scoot the back of my head as far up my seat as I can so the next time your talons are likely to grab a chunk of my scalp and/or hair and I’ll scream like a little girl. I’ll do it.
The terminal
- I know there is a sub-sectional of the population that insists on getting to the airport 3 to 4 hours early, to each their own, but could you do me a favor and pick a path. I realize you are trying to kill the time by aimlessly meandering through the terminal, but zig zagging to and fro is frustrating.
Terminals are pretty depressing places by and large. Never have people paid so much to do something they loathe. - In general, sunglasses worn inside are not a good idea, especially if you are in an airport unless you are Tom Berenger, have a white sport coat, jeans, and cowboy boots. Then, and only then, you can pull it off.
The Stews
Aside from scamming free beers and calling them stewardesses I don’t ever give these guys and gals a hard time. In my estimation, from the folks at the gate, to the check in counters, to the stewardesses, they have a shit job. They have to deal with grumpy, rude, frustrated assholes all day every day. Always, and I mean always say thanks. Even if they can’t get you in that aisle seat or closer to the front of the plane at least they looked. If you are running late and your frustration is getting the better of you remember, it’s not their fault traffic was horrible or security lines were a mess or you were just a dumbass and didn’t plan well. Even if they end up charging you six bucks for a can of beer say thanks. It goes a long ways.
Me: “Hey, do the pilots still give out those little wing pins?”
Me: “Is there a co-pilot on this flight? If yes, do you think I he or she would want to switch seats with me? I hate middle seats.”
Me: “Have you ever seen the movie Airplane? Do you know if any of the stewardesses have a guitar?”
A little levity to an otherwise schmuck filled day goes a long ways...
For those that travel a fair amount chime in and help the masses.
