you want mint for pillow

What to write about, what to write about…I think I could spend a month on O’Hare International Airport…or my brother suggested investigating the invasion of personal space epidemic ripping across the country…but I decided to write about an odd phenomenon I’ve noticed lately…when did maids start getting so aggressive?

I haven’t been traveling routinely for a few years so I’m not really sure how this came about but I was staying someplace a while back and at 8:15am I heard the familiar key card knock on the door followed by the “housekeeping” call.  Really, 8:15am in the morning?  I’m not exactly a morning person, but that seemed a bit aggressive.  When I asked my traveling companions about it at lunch they said this was becoming more and more the norm and to combat this phenomenon it was suggested that as soon as you check in you hang the ole do not disturb sign up.  This seems like a reasonable work around but just like the immortal Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City, who looks oddly like a foot by the way, “I wondered, why are maids so eager to clean these days.”

To get to the answer I was looking for I needed to do some firsthand research.  And so on my next trip I inquired during check in as to whether there were any maid jobs available?  “They are called housekeepers, and no” was the reply.  I made it all the way to webelo in scouts so I was prepared for such a setback.  So the next morning I donned this little number and set about knocking on doors at 8:00am.  I’ll be the first to admit that while I was prepared I had not entirely thought this through.  I was in San Francisco.  If you’ve ever wondered what you thought your face would look like if you found out you won the lottery…I’ve seen it eight times.

So that was a bust.  Next up I thought I’d conduct some interviews. 

I started walking the halls in the morning trying to chat up the cleaning ladies as they were busily working away.  I can’t be sure, but it seemed like they were in some sort of indentured servant arrangement because they kept looking over my shoulder or behind them and would not answer any of my questions.  Frustration got the better of me and so started stealing the little conditioners, but not the shampoos.  My hair is silky smooth.   

Now what?

Perhaps hallway cameras were a concern and they didn’t want to be caught chatting it up in hallways with guests.  So the next morning I lay in wait…hold on, that sounds creepy.  I awoke early and waited for the familiar knock.  Still sounds creepy but I was hoping they would be more eager to talk while they were working in the room instead of out in the hallway.  No dice.  Perhaps clothes were the problem. 

So the next morning I got dressed and waited.  Again, no interest in talking. 

I was getting nowhere so on my next trip I made a horrendous mess of my room.  I used every towel, set my alarm for the middle of the night so I would switch beds.  I threw my clothes around like a monkey throwing his own feces.  I threw my own feces around.  I moved the furniture.  I hid the shower curtain under the bed and I used one of the window curtains as a bedspread.  I thought that if there was a lot to clean it would take her a while and I could break her down and get her to talk.  Instead I’m no longer welcome at that hotel.

Taking the opposite approach I cleaned the next hotel room I stayed in spotless thinking that if they had nothing to clean they would have time to talk, but I just got one of those looks people probably gave Howard Hughes when they saw his many jars of urine and Kleenex boxes for shoes.

Thinking it might be a language issue I pulled out my best high school Spanish for the next housekeeper I came across:

Me:  “Por qué son usted trabajando tan temprano?”

Maid:  “I’m Ethiopian, jerk.”

I decided to be more selective.  One more time…

Me:   “Por qué son usted trabajando tan temprano?”

Maid Two:  “Chinga Tu Madre”

This was not the response I was hoping for.  For the record I punched that maid in the ding ding.  I’m no longer welcome at that hotel.

So after an exhaustive effort that actually wasn’t that tiring I’ve decided to give up.  Plus, after chronically my epic quest for the truth I’ve actually given it a half second of thought instead of scheming to find the answer and have found the answer.  It’s not some new found initiative to rid the hotels of the world of dirty bed sheets or bath tub rings…they start cleaning that early because that’s when their boss tells them to start.  I never said I had the swiftest of minds.  Or maybe they are just trying for a real life version of “Maid in Manhatten” staring the sublimely talented Jennifer Lopez.