A couple of weeks ago I had to go to our nation’s capital…well, my nation’s capital anyways. I stopped off in Minnesota for a meeting prior and then had to connect through Chicago on my way to DC. Three flights in one day aint that sweet, but I did have the pleasure of encountering an angry man.
So I was connecting through O’Hare and I was a bit hungry. Unfortunately, O’Hare is a pretty poorly designed airport in that it has very few places to eat and so they are always packed. Let me rephrase, O’Hare sucks. I spied an open seat at the bar though and made my way over. Just as I was getting to the seat I noticed there was a bag in front of it, was about to turn, and then I heard a guy from behind me say, rather sternly, “Nope, not going to happen.” To which I replied, “huh?” “Not going to happen, I was sitting there”, he responded. “Oh yeah, I just realized someone was sitting here when I saw the bag,” was my reply. “Yeah right,” was his response. “Listen pal, I get it, you were sitting here, but you don’t have to be a dick about it”. “Excuse me,” was his retort. “I said, you don’t have to be a dick about it.” And before he could reply the woman sitting next to him looked up and said, “you are kind of being a dick about it.” It was his wife. I walked off chuckling and found another seat. I glanced over after I got settled and he was staring daggers in to me. I smiled and mouthed the words, “you’re a dick.”Onward, the nice thing about Washington D.C. is that there are a bunch of hotties rolling around and what’s better, at least half of them are republicans. I did come across some funny conversations though, and not just partisan offerings.
Becky: “Can you imagine if Sarah Palin and George W. Bush had a kid together?”
Ronald: “It would be some sort of super human.”
(No joke, word for word and they were dead serious)
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Langston: “Is that a new Burberry shirt?”
(Okay, this one isn’t that funny, but it made me chuckle a bit.)
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Cassandra: “I can’t believe you are going out with that guy. He works for Patty Murray.”
(So this one didn’t happen, but I wanted to get a little dig in on Pat.)
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Alfred: “What do you think Ruth Bader Ginsberg looks like naked?”
Ronnie: “A bit like Margaret Thatcher mixed with Wilford Brimley, Why?”
Alfred: “No reason.”
(So this one didn’t happen either, but when I don’t hear funny shit for a while I just make it up.)
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Me: (standing in front of the Washington monument asking to a group of young republicans) “Hey, I’m a bit lost, can you tell me how to get to the Washington monument?
Duke: “Ah, yeah, just turn around and walk straight that way.” (and they started snickering to themselves)
Me: “Oh, okay. Thanks. Do you about how far I need to go that way?”
Alan: “Dude, it’s right there.” (pointing)
Me: “Oh, okay. Thanks. For some reason I thought it would be bigger. Hey, will you take my picture?”
Washington D.C. to Seattle
Headed home. I had heard United was having computer issues so I got to the airport a little earlier than normal. I was not prepared for the chaos however. I needed to print my boarding pass, but the line was enormous. Then I remembered one of those kiosks down by baggage claim. I shouted, “look over there, it’s Katy Perry” to everyone in line and quickly snuck down the escalator. Sadly, the deserted little machine told me I needed to see an agent. Back I go to stand in line. My flight was leaving at 5:15pm. By the time I got to the front of the line it was 4:45pm. When the understandably frazzled gal behind the desk finally got to me she informed that the reason I was flagged to see an agent is that I was upgraded to first class. This gave us both a chuckle. I waited in line for an hour and a half to get told good news. And so I scrambled for security after a quick check of the big board to see that my flight was on time. I got on the people mover at 5:10pm. With 5 minutes to get to my concourse and then the gate I was pretty sure I was going to make it. Never mind the fact that they try to close the doors at least ten minutes before departure time. Off of the people mover and I’m sprinting, bags in hand. As a general rule, I don’t run through airports, but if I missed this flight I’d have to wait until the morning.
Having never sprinted through an airport I wasn’t really sure what to expect. Would people be respectful and maybe get out of the way or would they still be stuck in their own worlds oblivious to others. What I found was a mixed bag. Some were great in stepping out of the way after seeing my feet a flying and me wielding my laptop bag above my head like one of those medieval mace dealies, while others continued their oblivity (I know that’s not a word, but I like it) and I was forced to either yell at them or in a few cases run them over. My favorites, however, were the ones that saw me, but froze like deer caught in headlights. Their eyes went wide, arms held out, and they sort of bounced back and forth from one foot to the other in some kind of linebacker stance bracing for impact. I shouted at the first bambi “LEFT” trying to get him to go left. Unfortunately, my brain wasn’t quick enough to pick up the his left vs. my left because after he went left I went right thinking it was the right way to go and I ended up crashing in to him sending us both to the floor. As I was scrambling to my feet he looked up with a pair of saddened eyes like I had just shot his mother and said, “you said LEFT”. I muttered something that could have been construed as an apology, but really, I said “fuck you.”
As I was picking up speed again and nearing my gate I started hoping the door would just be closing or the jetway would be slowly pulling away from the plane and I could yell in response to the objections of the gate agents as I rushed passed, “it’s okay, I’m a limo driver” and I could make the leap. To my disappointment as I rounded the corner all I saw was a gaggle of pissed off looking people and then I noticed the alert that the flight was delayed two hours…Hands on my knees to help catch my breath I glanced around. Hey, a bar, and with plenty of open seats. Everything was coming up millhouse. I got a nice little jog in, my patience was tested and I aced it, sort of, I made some sure to be long standing friends, and hey, I got upgraded.
Good times on the beaten path.
