i am the lizard king

Lounges

Airport lounges can be tricky to sneak in to, but it’s worth it.  They are magical place filled with free food, free booze, comfy seats, private washrooms, free internet, and personal assistants…ok they aren’t nirvana, but they are a nice place to get away from the rabble.

There are a couple of tactics below to consider if you are going to go for the sneak.  All have worked for me with varying success.  Sometimes you have to call an audible once inside the frosted glass doors and you see what you are dealing with.  And of course you shouldn’t attempt any of these if you are wearing jammies.  Unless they are Prada jammies or something like that you should try to look business like.  You don’t have to be suited up, but jeans and a puffy won’t fly.  Jeans, a top coat, and some non-athletic shoes will work just fine.  A North Face backpack isn’t good for anything and they especially aren’t good in this situation.  A North Face fleece isn’t good for anything, period.

The bull rush – This one is all about confidence.  Once you push open the doors you don’t break stride.  It is imperative to locate the front desk position and determine the interest level from the attendant.  Ideally there is only one person and they are helping someone.  In this case don’t even look in their direction.  Eyes on the prize.  If they are alone you need to give them the “what’s up” head nod and slight smile.  And it can’t be the douchy night club head nod.  Think to yourself, “Oh hey, there’s Janet.  It’s been a while.  How have things been?”  But don’t look too long or she’ll try to place you.

The hop along – This one takes a bit of planning so you might have to mill around outside the lounge until the right opportunity presents itself.  The idea is to tag along with a member, but the key is to do it without them noticing.  Ideally you go in with a group.  As they are getting checked in with the desk look at the group as you walk past and say, “I’ll see you in there; I’ve got to hit the washroom.”  Don’t look anyone in particular in the eye.  Try to look at or past the group.  Don’t do it right away.  Wait until the first person checks in so the clerk is busy.  If you are over eager they might stop you.  If they do stop you don’t sweat it.  A simple, “I’ve got to hit the washroom, but I’ll swing back by after.”  That usually does the trick.  Then find a seat as far away from that group of people as you can.  If needed, chat up the bartender or another traveler for a little while.  The second ideal situation is someone entering while on the phone.  Politely stand behind and hopefully the person at the desk will catch your eye.  Make some yackity yack gesture with your hands mocking the person, but be quick.  Ideally they stay on the phone and enter the lounge.  Hang back and then apologize to the person behind the counter.  Something along the lines of I hate it when people do that.  They might ask for your credentials, but just say, oh I work with him or her.  “He or she said they could bring me in with them.  Is that alright?  I’m not really sure how the lounge thing works.”  And you’re in.

The red headed stranger – I’ve actually had the most success with this one.  Similar to the bull rush in that you need some confidence, but basically you walk in, look around for a quick second, then nod and wave at someone in the back of the room.  A nice added touch is to pretend you are on the phone with the person.  Accompany the nod and wave with, “yeah, I see you.”  And actually pick someone or a group of someone’s with an open seat next to them, preferably far away from the front desk, but not too obvious.

The hail mary – If your first attempt fails you are pretty much screwed.  As a last ditch resort you can come clean and try for the hail mary.  Sometimes they let you in to be nice.  Depending on the airport you can try to use the sob story, “the terminal is absolutely packed and I was just hoping to find a spot to sit down for 10 minutes away from the chaos…” or you can try the dumb guy approach, “I just started traveling for my new job and wasn’t sure if I should buy one of the lounge memberships.  What are the benefits?”…or the looking for the colleague bit…”oh sorry, I thought my colleague was in here” and look at your phone…depending on their reaction you can either cut bait pretending you got a text that he or she decided to head to the gate instead…or you can pretend the text says they got held up at security, but they are on the way.  If you choose the ladder say, “I can just wait outside for them.  Sorry about that.”  They will either say “ok” or “you can just wait inside, just be sure to come back up to check in when they get here.”  In some cases they will offer to let you wait by the desk.  At this point you are hosed so make up some excuse about needing to use the restroom or having to get a book or something and get out of there.

Now, if you do get in this is important…find a seat as quickly as possible and settle in.  I don’t mean settle in to your seat and hunker down.  Quite the opposite actually.  Pull out your laptop, your book, your phone…throw your jacket over the chair and then head for the bathroom.  Don’t give someone a chance to come around.  After the bathroom get some food, even if you aren’t hungry and get something to drink.  Then you can hunker down and you should be golden.